Lately I have started to struggle with Motherhood and even my marriage. That sounds so weird to say (or write down) since I’ve always been such a “family” person. I have always been the kind of person that everybody says she is going to be such a great Mom (literally my entire Childhood). All I dreamed about was having my own family and being the happiest person alive because of it.
But lately I have been struggling. I have been struggling to find my happiness and the more I have been searching the more difficult it has been to find any happiness at all. I start to feel guilty for even having these feelings in the first place and I find myself in a dark hole that feels impossible to dig mysef out of.
I am a good Mom. I know that I am a good Mom. I take care of my Son and I give him all of the love and attention he needs. We laugh and smile together and in those moments I feel our connection so strong.
I am a good Wife. I know that I am a good Wife. I give my Husband all of my love and respect and I take care of our relationship and make time to spend new moments – going for dates, for walks, having movie nights.
But this hasn’t felt enough lately. I am not saying that I don’t love my Son or Husband – I love them more than anything in the World but I have this weight on my shoulders that makes me feel almost angry and hurt. I have been trying so hard to put my finger on this issue so we can fix it and I finally think I found my answer.
That’s it right there. I said it. Expectations.
I feel like I am expected to take care of my Son alone. Without any help. Maybe that’s not the case and I’m so wrong. But it’s how I feel. Every time my Son cries I feel that my Husband doesn’t even think twice that I will run to calm and soothe our Son, or when it’s time for feedings or waking him during the night it is expected that I will be the one to wake and sit up until morning if he has a tummy ache. I want help. But I don’t want to have to ask for it. I want my husband to know he should help at least half of the time but it feels like since I’m the Mother, it’s my duty to do it all.
Maybe this sounds too harsh and I’m attacking my Husband for small things. But it honestly eats away at me and it genuinely affects our relationship since I’m always on edge and feeling like I have no time for myself.
Just a few thoughts that I’ve felt have been trapped lately and I wanted to take off my shoulders. I am slowly starting to come to terms with allowing myself to ask for more time and feel less guilty because of it. I want to take time to go on a walk alone or to the hairdressers without feeling like I’m the worst Mom or Wife because of it.